I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
