Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
