if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
