Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
