I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
