In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
