Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(253): View more from Washington

she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

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(571): View more from Virginia

so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Welcome to adulthood.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.

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