Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
