Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
