I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
