i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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