my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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