Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
