Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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