marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
