You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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