so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
