then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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