i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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