I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
