I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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