I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's not a walk of shame if you run
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
