And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
All the doctor said was why
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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