were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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