Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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