We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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