I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
