I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
