i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
