If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
