Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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