Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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