a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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