She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
