I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
