Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
