I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
