I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
