First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
