no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
