You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
