Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
