I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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