arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
where are my eyebrows?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
