I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
