my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
