The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
