just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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