I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
