Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
