Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
hell yes lets make some ravioli
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
